A version of this article first appeared in The Governance Institute’s January 2022 issue of the Hospital Focus newsletter. It was reprinted with edits in TIER1’s The Healthy, High-Performing Cultures Issue of Performance Matters Magazine. To request a print or digital copy of the magazine, click here.
Think about the times you have performed at your best—at home, in the community, and at work. Do you notice anything? If I were the betting type, I’d bet that you thought of a time that you felt secure and connected.
Work is stressful. Sometimes that’s a good thing; the right amount of stress is motivating and even fun. However, when things are too hard for too long or when we don’t feel connected or trusted by the people we work with, stress can become overwhelming and toxic. Let’s explore how leaders can positively impact how their teams experience stress by building secure relationships and creating a positive, compassionate environment.
Humans are wired for interdependence.
Stressful times are the best times for leaders to ask themselves, “Am I bringing out the best or the worst in my team right now?”
This question gets to the heart of how humans are wired to experience working with others. Have you noticed how you show up differently when you’re under stress or distress? For some people, you may be an open book—vulnerable and not afraid to share anything with this person. For others, you may be a tightly locked vault. With some, you are confident and strong, ready to take on hard challenges; with others, you feel like you’re barely able to keep it together in the face of difficulty (and hoping it doesn’t show).
People show up differently depending on whether they trust that their needs will be met by a “secure other,” especially during times of uncertainty or distress. This is a ubiquitous phenomenon that no one is immune to, particularly in our reporting relationships. Humans are interdependent—we adjust our behavior significantly based on the trust we have with those around us; we also experience the challenge of stress much differently.
Many leaders have been conditioned to believe they should always be strong and independent, not needing others to make them feel safe or validated to be effective. Perhaps this myth of independence can be true for an instance or even a season, but over time there is a cost to the person, their role as leader, and the culture they shape. All humans have needs (including leaders); thriving humans require safe environments in which they can share their needs and have them met.
Secure relationships are critical for safety.
John Bowlby’s attachment theory asserts that we are born with a life-depending need for one another; newborn babies can have food, shelter, and clothing, but without the felt sense of a secure bond with another human being, they fail to thrive. When the people we seek are not available, responsive, or engaged, we are triggered to hide, retreat, and withdraw. When people feel isolated, they may be more likely to react without thinking, even lying or cheating to save face.
In an 80-year longitudinal study on health and happiness, Robert Waldinger, psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor at Harvard Medical School, discovered that relationships—particularly our relationship satisfaction—have a powerful influence on health at the end of life. The people in the study who experienced the greatest satisfaction with their relationships at age 50 were also the healthiest at age 80.
What about the middle of life where we spend most of our waking hours at work? Our need for secure relationships doesn’t go away. The implication is that, in times of stress or distress, your followers reach for you (as a leader) much like they might a parent or loved one looking for support and reassurance. When they receive support and guidance, trust is built; and when they don’t, they become triggered.
One study on leaders as attachment figures described an effective leader as:
- Being sensitive and responsive to their followers’ needs.
- Providing advice, guidance, and resources (emotional and technical) to group members.
- Supporting followers’ creativity, initiative, and autonomy.
- Enhancing followers’ self-worth and self-efficacy.
- Encouraging followers’ desire to take on new challenges and acquire new skills.
- Affirming followers’ ability to deal with challenges.
- Motivating followers’ personal growth.
This is not easy stuff. Leaders also get triggered and feel pressured to deliver results just like everyone else, which can make it hard to show up in difficult situations with patience, curiosity, and compassion. But the difference is a team that’s not only willing but excited to bring challenges forward and will do so more freely because they trust that you have their best interests at heart.
Are you ready to foster more secure teams?
To get at the heart of attachment needs and reimagine relationships, I invite leaders to start asking this question: ARE you there for me? (This concept is from the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of emotionally focused therapy.)
Use this question and the following acronym (ARE) to integrate the three elements of a secure bond into your work relationships:
- Accessible (you give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying)
- Responsive (you accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring)
- Engaged (you are emotionally present, absorbed, and involved with me)
If leaders can’t answer “yes” confidently to this question, you will inevitably see insecure responses and behaviors in their teams.
To dig deeper into situations where people lack trust and security, ask yourself:
- Do you know what your people need to thrive? How might you tune into their needs and be responsive to them?
- In stressful times, are people reluctant to speak up? Do they try to solve problems alone, or are they turning to you and others with questions? How might you invite people to feel safe enough to talk about their truth?
- How can we create stronger bonds between senior leaders and the management team, or the management team and the board?
- How might we shift away from the perception that perfection is achievable, and instead focus on repairing and reconnecting with people when we do miss the mark?
A version of this article first appeared in The Governance Institute’s January 2022 issue of the Hospital Focus newsletter. It was reprinted with edits in TIER1’s The Healthy, High-Performing Cultures Issue of Performance Matters Magazine. To request a print or digital copy of the magazine, click here.
